If I stopped now, I was thinking, the rest of my life would be a tragedy, I would be forever anticipating what was written, or trying. . . hopelessly, yes, there was nothing in the research then that said I had any hope. . . to change it. I would be living without hope. I could do that. But the important thing was what that burden would do to Alice. . . If I was going to be allowed to keep Alice, after what I’d seen.